What’s so ironic about Dim Sum and Doughnuts is that I’m writing it so my girls have something of “me” when they get older, but, at the same time, I never have any time to write in it because I’m so busy with them.
Right now, they are at swim lessons with Cody (my husband), so it looks like I have a few hours of free time on my hands. Yay for me! There is a part of me that wishes I was at swim lessons too (I hate missing out on stuff) but pools kind of gross me out—especially indoor pools. They smell funky, they’re full of chemicals and seriously…why don’t you just pee ON me? I know everyone in the pool is peeing in it. I know they are.
So, because of that, Cody goes to swim lessons.
Anyway, I was at lunch the other day with my girlfriend, Caren, and we somehow started discussing a topic that I want to make sure I touch on for my girls. We were discussing how hard it is to just accept people for who they are even though we know it’s the right thing to do and, in the end, it’s so much easier.
Why do we continually expect others to live up to who and what we want them to be? Who are we to expect anything of anyone?
Yes, I expect a lot out of my husband, but he‘s my husband. We’re married. How are we supposed to stay married (happily) if we don’t deal with our stuff? We have stuff. All couples have stuff. The trick is to stay on top of the stuff so it doesn’t pile up. When I notice new stuff—bad stuff—I bring it up and out. I don’t let that stuff go. I want us to stay married and if I can‘t bring our stuff to the surface so we can address it, that is just not going to be good for us. I’m sure it’s exhausting for Cody that I always have to address our stuff, but too bad, Cody. TOO BAD-SO SAD!
And my kids. Yes, I’m hard on my kids. That‘s not news…I’ve said it before. I’m probably the mom other people talk about because I’m so hard on my kids (among other things). I don’t give a crap. They’re good kids, and I’m a good person. Yes, of course, all three of us suck sometimes but, on balance, we do OK.
But other than my husband, my kids and myself—who am I to expect anything from anyone?
People are who they are, and they do what they can do.
For the most part, I’m good with that. I’m busy. I have things to do. If you let me down, I move on. But sometimes, just sometimes, I get disappointed in someone.
Thankfully it doesn’t happen a lot because let me tell you, it’s a hard way to live.
Walking around… all dark and disappointed…
Who needs that?
Not me.
Friends, family, co-workers…someone is going to let you down. It’s going to happen. But so what? We don’t need to get all twisted up about it. Plus, most of the time— it’s nothing personal. Most of the time the person who isn’t living up to our expectations doesn’t even know it. They’re just living to their capacity level and we’re the idiots for expecting more from them. We should know better!
The people in our lives, they aren’t malicious by nature (or we wouldn’t have them in our lives). Some just aren‘t built to live up to all of our expectations. And that’s OK…or at least it should be.
So, why is it that sometimes it’s so hard to move on from disappointment?
It just is.
But we should, because harboring a grudge or disappointment is just so toxic and there’s really no percentage in it.
If we learn to accept people for who they are, we won’t be disappointed. If we love them for the good stuff they bring to the table—and we know (and accept) their limits—we can‘t get hurt. We’re happy when they show, and not surprised when they don’t.
And that’s pretty much it.
And also, they’re home from swimming.
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Thanks for being here!
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couldn’t have said it better!
Thank you! I’m so happy that someone out there gets me!
Good Blog post! Here are my thoughts (as if you could possibly keep me from stating an opinion! LOL!)
Consider that everyone is an equation. No one should be the sum of all their faults. They are the sum of all the joy they bring/give plus the amount of integrity and loyalty they have minus their flaws/heartache they cause.
If the equation equals a positive number then be ok with it. And of course, the “number” goes up and down as different situations come up and the length of time the relationship increases but as long as the relationship “sum” is in the positive it is easy to continue it.
That way feelings toward a person may not necessarily be based on the latest interaction. It is an on-going overall interaction (the equation) that you consider.
Just something to think about (or as Emmie says, “Just sayin’!”
Yes. What you said. Exactly. That. Agree! Agree! Agree! Just sayin’ 🙂
Acceptance. What a great topic for a post.
It’s the only way we can stay sane, accepting our realities and the abilities/limitations of those around us.
Your last line or two was rather a good reminder, actually. “f we learn to accept people for who they are, we won’t be disappointed. If we love them for the good stuff they bring to the table—and we know their limits—we can‘t get hurt.” Someone in my life has been grossly disappointing lately. While it doesn’t directly affect me,it hurts my heart. So this perspective was well-needed.
Good on you for taking care of your part of the world. I’m the same way with my husband and kiddo, too. Get stuff out in the open, get it discussed and managed. I’m the strict mom, too. I think the boundaries and structure actually let the kids have more fun when it’s time to have fun. When they know the rules, when the rules are consistent, it’s easier for them because they know what they *can* do and are able to navigate the world in a way which provides far more positive interactions than they might, otherwise.
I like Ashby’s mathematical ‘assessment’, too:”Consider that everyone is an equation. No one should be the sum of all their faults…..” Thanks for sharing that, Ashby. I’ll have to keep this in mind. 🙂
Good to see you online again, Robyn!
Hazel!!! Hi, Hazel!! So good to see you too! I’m glad you liked this one. It seems to come up a lot in everyday life so I figured I’d get it out for my girls. That way when they complain about someone not living up to their expectations, I’ll just make them read this and go take a break. 🙂 Love hearing from you! Thank you so much.
Love you!
Sanasa Sanasa!
LOVE this!!! I’ll put this something of “you” in my kids’ memory boxes 🙂 perfectly said!
I love that! I’m glad you liked it. I’m so torn about sharing this stuff but comments like yours make me feel so much better about it. Thank you. Thank you!!!
I had noticed that I had been staring many sentences with ‘I am not being judgemental but…’. We’ve all done it and its so easy to say without knowing that persons particular circumstances which may explain the reason why they are doing, saying whatever I have decided that I find unacceptable…in my position as the last word on everything you understand!
Lately I found myself in a situation with my son’s new girlfriend, believe me I could write a book on that whole ‘encounter’ but I digress. She had decided in the whole 5 minutes she knew me with her 19 year old wisdom that she hated me, yes actually hated me. That made me cry…a lot. Without going into the drama of it all it actually pulled me up quick smart. I did a lot of thinking and talking to my gorgeous mum, who reassured me that I WAS the most amazing women in the world, about how her snap judgement and harsh words that she made without knowing me hurt me more than I have been hurt in a long time.
The outcome is that I’m trying, really, really trying, to accept without judgement. It’s hard and I’ve probably slipped up a few times but I’m finding myself listening more and judging less…it feels good.
I loved your post.
I’m so happy you liked it and I love that you found it helpful during this time in your life but what the hell is up with “the girlfriend??” I can’t believe your son would date anyone who A) hates you and B) could make a decision like that in 5 minutes.
You are awesome (or at least you seem to be). This girl sounds like she has some major issues. They’re young so I’m sure she won’t last but still, I’m sure it’s hard for you right now. Hang in there. Someone hotter and smarter will come along and she’ll be gone…And she can take all of her “hate” with her.
Love that you wrote in. Thank you!!!
I enjoy the simple wisdom. Is it easier to gear up and be mad and judgmental and make a point, yes, but the basic insight of everyday, things can pile up, it can be easy to focus on that, but really, how much will matter tomorrow, just be happy. As one long term married gal stated, after all the years of marriage, she never considered divorce. Murder, yes, but never divorce. A tongue in cheek overview of find a way to move past the things that we can let pile up, and be happy. I missed your posts. (PS, dont tell other guys this, ok? lol)
“Murder, yes…” That is very funny. I love what you said about “simple wisdom.” You totally get it. In the end, it’s really not going to matter so just be happy. It is so much better.
Thank you for commenting. It means a lot to me, especially because you are a guy. I always appreciate a solid, male perspective. Thank you so much.