It’s very rare for someone to tell you to your face how they truly feel about you. It’s rare because it’s not an easy thing to do. Somebody once told me to my face that I’m “mean.” I was rather stunned because people usually reserve things like that for behind-the-back lashing and also, I didn’t agree with her.
Admittedly, my behavior (at times) is somewhat questionable, but I’m still not convinced that I’m mean. I know what “mean” is. I have seen mean. We’ve all seen it. It’s everywhere. It’s in the shows we watch and the movies we see. It’s in the articles we read and the videos we view. The characteristics of a mean girl have been dutifully exposed.
No one wants to be a Mean Girl—unless, of course, they truly are just that. And I don’t feel that I am. So when I was told that I was, it broke me. It broke me for awhile.
But then I got to thinking…Am I a “mean girl,” or was I just being mean?
There’s a difference.
And that led me to conclude that there are two types of mean girls:
There is the Mean Girl on the Offense: This girl is like a lawnmower in that she’ll plow through anyone who gets in her way. She is the Mean Girl who makes herself feel better by tearing down others. She rules by fear and finds the less assured to be her disciples. She is mean; it’s a state of being.
And then there is the Mean Girl on the Defense. This girl is not mean coming out of the gate. She has to be provoked, like a sleeping bear. If you’re going to poke her, good luck to you because she might come out swinging. She’s standing up for herself. Her meanness is reactionary and, as far as she‘s concerned, justified. Unlike the Mean Girl on the Offense, this girl’s meanness is not a state of being, it‘s circumstantial and it’s temporary.
I have two little girls of my own and if they see me being mean, there is a good chance they will grow up to be the same way. I don’t want my girls to be Mean Girls—but I also don’t want them to be doormats. I want them to stick up for themselves while still being nice, and that’s not always easy. Sometimes that means letting things slide.
AND THAT IS SO HARD.
I wish I had the innate quality and maturity level to let things slide. I wish I was better at biting my tongue, but I’m not built like that—and that is something I need to work on. When the time comes, I’m really going to try and help my girls find a place in the middle.
I want them to know when they should stand up for themselves and when they should walk away. I want them to know when to put up and when to shut up.
And I will be learning right along with them.
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Good article. I’m a defensive mean girl too. It’s out of years of being a doormat and being bullied. I won’t take it anymore. Some call it being tough, some call it being mean. I hope my daughter can grow up to be tough. I don’t want her to be the child I was, crying at home everynight because someone said my shoes were ugly. (and yes, that happened.) I want her to be the girl who, when seeing some other girl do that to one of her friends, steps up to protect her friend and sends the bully home sniffling. Is that bad?
Oh, Suzanne–that is good. I also hope that my girls step up for others. I am like that and you are like that, so I have to think (hope) that they will be too. I have no issue coming to someone else’s defense if I think they are being wronged. Kids, dogs, whomever. It’s a natural instinct for me to protect. Send that mean kid HOME, and if he’s crying…fine by me! Great comment. LOVE it. Thank you!
You are not a mean girl. You are outspoken which others take as being mean (not sure why). From my point of view, you are awesome and human and from what I’ve seen and heard of your girls, they are going to be just fine. Miss you all – J
You’re my friend, Jod. You have to say that, and also, you’re exactly like me so if I’m mean, you are too! Love you. Miss you so much.
I really loved this post! The other day my crazy (and I mean really crazy) mother-in-law told me I was mean. She said I treated her terribly in a recent phone call (the one that WASN’T about HER because her son, my husband was in the middle of passing a kidney stone). Anyway, I allowed that perhaps I was less than patient with her during that particular moment (as my husband was passing what felt like glass through his penis) and I apologized. She DID NOT accept. She went on to tell me that I’ve been mean for 16 years. I told her that unfortunately I cannot apologize for 16 years of mean. I’m pretty sure that doctors would diagnose that as MY PERSONALITY. What a twatwaffle.
Lola! She didn’t accept your apology? Who doesn’t accept? That is MEAN. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone not accepting. Can you take it back? I’d take it back. She had 16 years to figure out a good time to tell you that you’re mean and she chooses the time when your husband is passing bullets through his love gun. I’m sorry.That does suck either way. Plus, I’m sure the times you were mean, you were just reacting to something SHE said that set you off. I know this because I’m the same way. We need Mean Girl Defense shields!
My sisters say I have a “sharp” tongue. One sister in particular does the dumbest, thoughtless things over and over and when asking an opinion seems shocked when I don’t stroke her and tell her the dumb choice she has made for the upteenth time isn’t a good one.
Andrea, your comment made me laugh. I don’t know why. Probably because I know exactly what you’re talking about. I have someone in my life like that too. “If what you’re doing isn’t working, here’s an idea…HOW ABOUT TRYING SOMETHING ELSE???? SHEESH!!” 🙂 I feel you, sister. I really do. Thank you so much for the comment.
Hmmm. I have to admit that many of my middle school friends will tell you I WAS a mean girl. A mean girl of the “on the offense” variety. I wish I knew why, but I still don’t. Maybe I felt bad about being the first girl to get full grown boobies (which I now see as very fabulous) and always felt that the best defense to being teased was to be on the offense?
All I do know is that I am so not that girl anymore and am very, very thankful that some of those girls still consider me to be their friends.
And, I will always tell someone how I feel, and I’ve worked to learn to do so in an honest and constructive manner, so if you can’t handle the truth it’s best you ask another friend the question.
I think you hit upon a key point, Malkin. Telling someone how you feel in an honest and constructive manner seems reasonable, but I think that is only reasonable to reasonable people. I know some people who I’ve tried to be like that with and then THEY go and get on the defensive or they get mad about it. What the hell? How can you get mad at me for telling you how I feel? Jeez…sensativo!
I also think this should be a bumper sticker:
If you can’t handle the truth it’s best you ask another friend the question.
THAT IS LEGENDARY.
Very thought provoking post Robyn – am I a mean girl? I can certainly say things in a mean way to people but it is normally on the defensive (I hope). I’m trying to teach my 14 year old daughter that sometimes its the tone of voice that comes across as mean. Btw you’re not mean – in Anthony’s words “oh she’s sooooooo nice”
Hi Carmel! Isn’t it funny how we become more conscious of our behavior once it’s brought to our attention? You’re not mean. I don’t get that vibe from you at all, though I’ve never actually met you. Besides, your name is too delicious for you to be mean. I’m happy you liked the post though, thank you. Please tell Anthony that he is the best and I miss him. I really appreciate you chiming in. You’re the best 🙂
Forgive me: my brain is working overtime on Lola’s term of “twatwaffle”. Best descriptive expletive I’ve seen in a while! And kudos to Lola for actually apologizing. There’s someone in my life who went both barrels on me years ago, knows they were wrong and has never apologized. (and she’s not the Queen of England either..why do people act like royalty when there is no crown on their heads?)
I liked this post because I’ve recently been challenged with a “do I do the ‘mean’ thing and speak truth about a situation, or do I pretend that this is not the seventh ring of hell?” Recently a whole slew of misunderstandings ensued because there were a few of us women all wanting to protect each other and “be nice”. I think that there is ‘mean’ out there, certainly, but there’s also a bit of toughening up which is necessary if we aren’t going to end up being mean to each other at some point. We shouldn’t all be working off the assumption that we’re all fragile little dolls. Before the niceness builds up and fractures from stress and then the ‘could-be-considered mean’ comes out. Sometimes, it’s difficult to know how much someone can handle, how much to address something that feels beyond one’s control and when to let go and decide that it’s someone else’s mess–they can clean it up.
Just to add to your idea: “If you can’t handle the truth it’s best you ask another friend the question.” I recently wrote a post on asking/giving advice, and yes, asking another friend the question is a great idea. But if you keep getting the same unwanted-truth opinion, maybe it’s time for therapy…
Hi Hazel! I’m with you. I feel you. It’s such a fine line. Do we get real with our friends and lay it down, or do we keep things surface and clean? I believe we can get down and dirty with our real friends, and that is what makes them real friends. I also believe (and this is recent) that with the ones who we KNOW aren’t our real good friends, we should let their $hit go. I’m not saying that they’re not worth it, but they’re kind of not. Why bother? And, if the real ones can’t take it, then sadly, they’re not the real ones–or maybe they are, but they just can’t take it. I don’t know, it’s all so hard…!!!
Love hearing from you. You know I do. I’m going to read your post now! 🙂
Hey Rob,
Loved your take on Mean Girls. I read a really interesting book last year for parent book club at school called Little Girls Can be Mean: How to Bully-Proof girls in the early grades. It is a great resource for Moms of daughters. It lays out a plan for observing, connecting, and guiding your daughters, It encourages parents to raise girls who are assertive but not aggressive. Your blog often makes me laugh out loud. Keep it up.
Rach!!! I’m so excited to hear from you! Cody and I always say that you are a good mom for girls, and a great resource for me. I will be getting that book. I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear from you and I’m honored that you liked the post. It’s one of those subjects that never goes away so I thought it would be good for the girls to have it down the road. I hope you guys are great and we miss you…
Rob,
I think we can all have signs and symptoms of ‘mean girl’ in us. Is it habitual — some no – some YES…lol — Some of us are definitely mean in response — I find I can be mean in snippy snippy ways I respond to friends and family. Do I do it purposely, ummmm – sometimes! (LOL) – it depends on to whom I’m addressing…
Sometimes dumb just doesn’t get it unless you’re mean…Oh wait – THAT was mean – lol – I was never mean in school – i was the quiet – shy (yep truly) one that just went with the flow – somewhere along the way — I started helping ‘the flow’ to go – lol —
I absolutely know you aren’t a mean girl – I mean…WHAT mean girl would have so many friends who love and adore her – and NO mean girl – could put pen to paper (or fingers to blog) and write with such joy and fun for all to share.
Miss you — alot! Reading your blog brings our friendship back to my heart….
Hi Jer!!! I’m so happy you commented. You always have wise things to say. I actually think that is a main reason why you’re still in my life after all these years (15 to be exact). I wish you weren’t so far away but your words and your love travel. They travel no matter where are you and I thank you for sending them my way. You are truly such a special person, and I wish there were more like you. But since there aren’t, I’m very, very lucky to have you.
I was called mean a good few years ago in college. And it didn´t bother me at all. Because I had been the one who sucked it all up for way to long and had made the concious decision not to be a doormat at college and kind of reinvented that part of me (faking it for a large part).
I called out someone on her flaws she tried to hide. We were given several assignments to do as a group. We divided the assignments and reviewed each others work. At one point one of them did not make the deadline we had set up. I am okay with that, these things happen. But what I resented were the crappy excuses. I was talking to the person one to one and she said she had been given to much work. I told her she wasn´t given the work, she took on the work by her own request. She claimed it turned out to be more work then she had expected. I told her she had had a week to come to that conclusion. Why didn´t she come to us sooner, so we could have made a new plan or a new deadline? I told her her reasons might be valid, but that there was no excuse to wait until the last minute to tell us the work wasn´t done. She knew I was right. She also knew that I knew she hadn´t been working on the assignment as much as she had needed to (this is a case of ´it takes one to know one`LOL). She looked me in the face and said: ´You are mean!` I was flabbergasted and smiled: ´maybe, but I am also right and you know it.´ She walked away and the next day we as a group came to a new deadline and in the end we had excellent grades for our work. And she and I enjoyed working with eachother throughout the years. Because she knew she could count on me being mean to keep her on her toes. And vice versa.
Hi lies. I enjoyed your story AND I don’t think you were being mean. I think you were being “her” version of mean. You were telling her the real deal. If that was mean, it’s only because she didn’t want to hear it, and who knows? Maybe at that time, she didn’t. I’m no expert, but I have found that when people don’t want hear things, it’s because they already know they are true. Either way, it’s so nice that you guys are now working from an honest place. When that happens it’s the best because everything from here on out will be real, and that is good stuff.
So happy you sent in a comment. Loved it. 🙂