I have a 7 year old daughter that my husband and I adopted from China in 2008. She was 11 months old when we got her.
A couple of weeks ago that daughter, F, and I had a conversation that went like this:
F: Mommy! They have fruit roll-ups in that vending machine! I LOVE FRUIT ROLL UPS. Can I get one?
Me: No.
F: UGH!! Fine. Mommy, I think I just want to go back to China.
Me: OK. That flight isn’t so cheap though and you’re probably going to want to sit First Class. …Do you have any money?
And then the lady sitting next to us told me that she liked the way we discussed F’s adoption so openly. I thought that was very kind of her to say, but I didn’t really know how to respond.
Isn’t everyone who adopts from China open about it? I mean, unless you’re actually from China and you’ve adopted from China, I would think it would be hard to ignore the differences: “No, honey, we look EXACTLY alike!” [Sidenote: When Frankie was younger, I got her a really cute, pink top that said “I LOOK LIKE MY MOM.” I thought it was hilarious.]
Of course, if your child’s features aren’t blatantly different from yours, I guess you could try and hide the fact that your child was adopted, but why would you want to?
Who are you protecting? Your kid or yourself?
I’ve been tossing this topic around in my head quite a bit lately, so I jumped on a website that is special for people who have already adopted, or are currently adopting, from China.
I have always found the China adoption online community to be helpful. I’m not on nearly as much as I was before we got F, but I always go back when I need help with something. Though I have never met anyone from the site in real life, it’s full of intelligent, good people (and some who aren’t)—but the gracious ones are always gracious.
As one might expect, most everyone I heard from on the China adoption site made it clear that they speak freely with their children about being adopted. They not only embrace their child’s past, but they also find ways to weave it in with their present.
I might be lacking a bit when it comes to preserving F’s heritage but we do some things that we wouldn’t normally do if we didn’t have a child from China.
We celebrate the Chinese New Year, and we do it HARD. We get together with one of our favorite families and we party. The girls each wear one of the satin dresses we brought home from China and we all eat dim sum and then sum more.
When we were in China, in 2008, those dresses were around 11.00-15.00 each and they were everywhere. It seemed like everyone was walking around Guangzho with dresses for their new babies. Finding the perfect Chinese dress for my girl became an obsession for me. But wait, why just one? You‘re in China! Get one in every size so your kid has one for every Chinese New Year!! (Because that’s for sure what she’s going to want to wear when she’s 15 years old— a traditional, ornate Chinese dress with teeny tiny impossible buttons.)
It’s hard not to get caught up in it though. The lure is everywhere (at least in Guangzhou it is). The streets are lined with stores that sell items you simply HAVE to have because, well, because you‘re in China: Perfume bottles, photo albums, placemats, jade necklaces, squeaky shoes…It’s like when you’re at Disney and the ride literally dumps you into a store filled with promotional souvenirs and all of the sudden you find yourself standing at the mirror saying “OMG!! HOW HAVE I LIVED WITHOUT THIS “DOPEY” HAT MY WHOLE LIFE?? I MUST HAVE IT!“
It’s the same in China. I don’t care if you just adopted four boys, you’re not walking out of that country without a dress.
We refer to our China trip a lot. We tell stories about when we were there and we talk about how excited we are to go back. We also talk about F’s story. The story about how she came to us—and when we talk about it, it’s really not a big deal.
It’s just part of the story of how we became a family.
But, that’s not fair because F had a life before us. She was Feng FuLan before she was F and I learned from the people on the China adoption site that it’s not right for me to tell her story.
But sometimes I do. If F is with me, we will just give the bullet points: (I don’t know how to make a bullet point so I’m going to use an *)
*F is from Chongqing, China.
*We got her when she was 11 months old.
*She lived in an orphanage until we were allowed to come and get her.
…but there are some people, close people, who know more. Some people know the whole story and F knows the whole story.
Because isn’t it circumstantial? Shouldn’t it depend on the child, and the family? Every child’s beginning story is different. Each story ultimately ends up with a happy ending and each story boasts a family who has the power of choice.
Do we keep it private or do we share?
In our case, if it feels right, I just don‘t see any reason why it can’t be shared.
Should I not be doing that? Does that mean that I am not protecting my child or her story?
I don’t want F to grow up embarrassed or shy about the beginning of her life; I want her to OWN it. I know it’s hard— her past was not easy—but not sharing it and not discussing it aren’t going to make things any easier. Just this morning she was explaining to her sister how she came out of someone else’s belly in China. Her sister, who is 4, was only upset that she too wasn’t adopted. She doesn’t like her backstory as much. She thinks it’s not interesting enough.
Being able to talk about being adopted isn’t easy, especially in a community where pretty much every other kid isn’t, and if they are, it’s not as noticeable. F is “different” around here. And she will always be different.
But what if she learns to own her differences and stand out—not like a sore thumb, but as a star? How great will that be? When you’re different, you don‘t have to compete with anyone EVER. There’s going to be a bunch of pretty girls and smart girls and fun girls, and then there will be F, who is everything and more.
It’s weird for me to spend this much time writing about F being adopted because I don’t think of her that way. Every once in a while she will say something like “I don’t want any cake, Mommy” and I’ll be like “What? No CAKE? Were you adopted?” And then I laugh because I think I’m so funny, and then I eat her cake.
There is not one part of me that doesn’t respect my daughter, and there is not one part of me that doesn’t want to protect her. But I still hope that one day she’s comfortable enough with herself and her past to tell her story, her way, because to me, her beginning story isn‘t her whole story. Her beginning story is what it is—and it’s just the beginning.
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Thanks for being here!
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Well said!! Frankie was born with major good luck.
…and she is rockin’ it, “Swankie Frankie” style!! 🙂
Frankie is fabulous as is her mother, her history is a part if who she is and how she became your daughter … You are all lucky to have found one another .. Xoxoxo
You are as intelligent as you are beautiful. You just managed to sum up an entire post in one sentence. Amazing!! Seriously, amazing.
I love The story of how you became a family! You are lucky to have each other!
xoxo
Thanks, Patti! I can’t believe how lucky we all are. It’s so crazy, I don’t even think about it except when we discuss it and even then, it’s like we’re talking about what’s for dinner. It’s just so NOT A BIG DEAL. Thank you for “getting” that!
Frankie will be just fine. She has great parents to love her (and Jaye) and give her a good life. You are teaching them the value of family and good friendships. Ask others to share their beginning with your kids. They will learn that everyone has a different beginning story but in the end each person gets to choose the rest of their story. And, truly, they will be just fine! How could they not with you and Cody there?
I should have come to you before writing this post. I probably wouldn’t have struggled so much. I just kept second guessing our approach because it seems that so many others are so protective over the children’s stories. I just didn’t get it so I needed to get it out. Sometimes this blog is validating for others, but sometimes, when people like you come back with a comment like this, it’s validating for me as well. Thank you. Love you.
Honestly, I love the way you guys are. You tell it like it is, and she is growing up very much owning her story. As time goes on, she may tell you to “shut up, mom” but until then, I’d share as much as feels right. Our CQ gal is also the odd-man out here. She is, quite literally, the only adopted Asian child in our community. It’s quite possible she’s the only adopted child period. So, we are on display every moment, pretty much like you. I wish I was more comfortable with that, but as long as my girl is, that’s what’s important.
Keep doing what you are doing. Personally, I think you are nailing it. The good news is, you are raising a girl with HER voice. If she gets to the point where she wants you to change how/what you share, she’s safe in telling you just that.
Kiy, you SO nailed it that I am flat out shaking right now. YOU NAILED IT. I only hope that F feels safe enough to tell me to “Shut it” one day when it comes to this topic. Of course, I will be all over her for speaking to me like that, but you couldn’t be more ON with the sentiment. Her story is just part of our lives, part of our day. You know? I never realized it was that big of a deal. It just is what it is.
I know you are raising your daughter to be a strong and happy girl, but it makes things harder when they (right off the bat) look different and come with a different story. I figure if we keep rockin’ it, they will too. I guess we’ll see. We’re in it together though, right?
I am saving this comment forever. YOU NAILED IT!!!!!!!
Once you share it can not be taken back. So if she wants to keep it more private in the future, oops to late the animals have left the barn. Closing the door won’t matter damage aleady done.
Thanks, LDW! If Frankie stays the way she is now, I think we’ll be OK. Thank you for your comment! It means a lot that you took the time 🙂
The Coden stories are among my favorites, don’t stop …
You’re delicious. Thank you.
Loved this blog..as always… you should be casual about Frankie’s adoption and she’ll be comfortable with it..as for her beginning..it had to be that way for you to find her and be able to adopt her! You have a great family keep up the good work L&P Granny Collins <3
Yes, Ann–Casual. That is exactly how we are about it (and most everything). I’m kind of bummed that I didn’t use that word in the post because that is EXACTLY what I was trying to convey. You are so smart!!! Thank you!!!!
As usual, your writing is superb, your content is touching and your story is fascinating. By the way, when I read your blog, I read it in your voice. Is that weird?
I love that my voice comes through in the posts…or maybe that is bad? But if you know me and still like the posts, I guess it can’t be that bad, right? Do you think Prager would be proud? 🙂 So happy to have you as a reader. You’re the BEST!! XOXOXO
Wait. Frankie was adopted?
HAHAHAHAHA!!! I love you, Vieds. Where are you? You better come out soon. On the kick drum.
Some of the people I know that have adopted are very, very private about their children’s adoptions. My oldest daughter was born in S. Korea so her story is very different from my youngest that was born in China. With oldest we have info about her first parents and grandparents but with our second we have nothing. We talk in general terms about their circumstance and that is all. My oldest feels that since we belong to each other that she isn’t just Korean she is also French, Swedish, English and German and wrote that on her information at school. It is very important to her at age 11 that people know that she is all of the above. My 9 yr old doesn’t care either way. But we always talk about their beginnings and ours before we met.
Wait. Your daughter is French, Swedish, English, German AND Korean? That is crazy!!! I need to know her. NOW. I have never met anyone like that in my life. It’s amazing that you have all that background on her. And however she became that way, she somehow made her way to YOU. Is it me? That is pretty incredible, right? And on top of that, you have one from China. I’m dying. Your house must the BEST on EVERY holiday!!!!! I have no idea what you’re doing, and I’m certainly no expert myself, but from what I can tell, just from your tone, that your house is a good one to grow up in. 🙂
Parents tell stories about their kids. Period. Adopted or not they do it. They tell ALL kinds of stories. The good, the bad, and the ugly. That’s just what parents do. You better believe every date I ever brought home my mother stopped to examine the guys head size because she had “made the mistake of not checking my father’s head size and that’s how she ended up with 3 c-sections due to baby head sizes the ultrasound wouldn’t compute.”…because that’s how I like to start first dates. Another one of my mothers favorite stories is about how I was born 9 lbs 14oz premature and they tried to put me in one of those NICU incubators but they couldn’t get the thing shut so they shipped me back upstairs (Where she decided to change my name while on pain meds without telling my father….who got quite the surprise when he tried to pick up a “Lauren” from the nursery and they said they didn’t have one of those anymore)….Or how she had one fair, blue-eyed blond kid and people would constantly ask her, after seeing her ethnic features and complexion, what adoption agency she had used.
“Birth stories” are a lot like child birth (not that I’d know anything about that), some people will try to convince you that its this beautiful magical thing when that’s rarely, if ever, the case. I mean, take a look at the Disney Princesses…most of them had less than stellar birth stories but they all grew up to rule empires. And let’s be honest…Frankie isn’t “most kids” so why apply a “most kids” standard to her. Let her own it…its the Frankie way of life.
Your first sentence is so RIGHT ON that I can’t even deal. You are so smart. SMART!!! I never even thought of that but you are right. Parents tell stories. That’s what we do. If things were still bad, I wouldn’t be telling the bad ones but things are good so….? But let’s discuss the rest of your comment because I am DYING. If you don’t start a blog soon, we are going to have problems. I’m not kidding. You have a lot to give. DO IT. Please. Do it, LAUREN. 🙂 XOXOXOXO!!!!!!
these make my day
I’m so happy! Thanks, Jake V!!!! You’re awesome 🙂
Great Story – i guess its just the great morning people who should respond. The choice to make the difference, the adoption – is the only way. embrace individuality and simply the fact she is loved and is part of a great family.
We are all mutts in some way. Kelley was adopted, and the single thing she ever felt was, she was with the people who wanted to love her and raise her. There is just that mom and dad. Kudos to you for the article and how you raise the kids. Now dont get all cocky! lol
Hi Scott! I swear I won’t get cocky. I know my kids could (and probably will) turn on me at any time. For now, I’ve got them down though. I’m standing on them. Just kidding.
I am happy to hear from you. Thank you. This means a lot to me. I like the part about how we are all mutts. It’s really so true. It is really SO true. You’re a smartie. I like it. 🙂
I think what Marissa said is spot on. “Parents tell stories about their kids”. My girls all know their birth stories. How is that any different than an adoption story? If you talk about it it will become their story. If you don’t it will feel like their “secret”. And who wants to carry around secrets! I think you are doing it the right way. Good job, mom!
Penny!! How about I just found penny on my way in? Is that crazy???? And your name is Penny! I’m sure you didn’t need me to explain the correlation but it’s all just so crazy to me!
Anyway, I agree with you about Marissa. Spot on. Thank you for making me feel better. There are many who do not agree with my way of doing things (and that is OK) but it’s working for us. They can do what works for them. Plus, like you said, who wants to carry around secrets? That is EXHAUSTING. You’re awesome. You’re my lucky Penny…
you’re my favorite way to start the day. in a completely sleep deprived state (thank you baby #4) I so appreciate the laughter and smiles you bring!
Baby #4. Oh, Ericka. How do you do it? The thing is (and I swear to you this is the truth) if I had a choose a mom better than you, I’d be hard pressed. You’re a natural. From the minute we met, I felt that way about you. I still do. I’m so happy we have stay connected and that you like the blog. That means so much to me considering the kind of mother and person you are. One of you is worth a million.
XOXO
Robyn- you are so lucky to have had the opportunity to make Frankie a part of your family & she is SO lucky to have you. You have all made a difference in each other’s lives. We all have stories about our kids!!! But it’s great to live vicariously thru you!!!!!! Keep all the stories–funny, sad, angry–whatever, coming!!!! <3
Deenie! So happy to hear from you! I love that you found the blog again!
We are so lucky, you are correct. We are so, so lucky and the stories keep coming no matter what we do, right? Thank you for being a reader. I love having people who have already done it tell me that I’m doing OK, especially someone like you.
Lots of love,
r
I love your blog and laugh a lot while reading it. We are very open with our daughter regarding adoption but there are some parts of her story that we do not share with anyone other than her. If she wishes to share them in the future,that is her business. It is my job, as her mother to protect that information until she feels ready, if ever, to share it. I will do the same thing with our new daughter.
Hi Kendra! This comment has the perfect amount of balance. I honestly didn’t realize until after I wrote (and posted) the post that I actually don’t share everything either. It wasn’t until I got BASHED by a bunch of people that I took out 2 lines that I don’t usually share. I should have known better as it felt uncomfortable as I was writing it. The bashers probably couldn’t have handled their delivery a little better (as you did) but they made their point and I, in turn, made some changes.
Thanks for the comment. Love that you’re becoming such a big part of my life!
r
Hi!! Me again!!! Don’t ever second guess yourself! If it feels right to you-just do it !!!!!! What is right for one person, may not be right for someone else. Your children bring you such joy and I’m sure everyone who reads your stories laughs along with you!!!!! Lots of love!!
You’re the best, Deenie. So happy that you have the right kind of humor for this family!!!
First of all, love title “Dim Sum & Doghnuts!” So clever! Great post. While I didn’t adopt my son from China, I did adopt him, and I’m so proud, and I might share his story too much…or do I? While I don’t usually share his story in front of him, I talk about adoption all the time in front of him. I think it’s wonderful…now at least. I struggle too because at what point will it be up to him to share and not my place? Thanks for the post.
Hi Rebecca!!! First of all, thank you so much! Second, I know. I know what you mean about the “struggle.” I figure when it’s time for them to take over, they will or they will at least tell us to stop if our actions bother them. But it’s not like we’re running around town telling the story from the rooftops. I mean, we DO use discretion. When I do it, it seems to fit the conversation and it neither one of us what to make our kids uncomfortable so I guess we can proceed with caution, and with them in mind.
I’m so happy you weighed in. You sound amazing and I hope you come back!! There is a FB page for the blog that you might like (it’s a fun community) and we’re doing a giveaway right now!! I hope to see you there!!
r
what a fantastic legacy you are writing and giving to Frankie.The story of her life is truly amazing thus far.(*notice my use of the word thus*)i am totally impressed with you Robyn,and im so glad youre back.Now….lets get to Bendels for whats really important!!!xo
Nice use of THUS, Katie!! I’m so happy to hear from you! How are you feeling girly, girl? You are impressed with me? I’m impressed with YOU. Do you want to meet at Bendels one day when you are feeling up to it? Hang in there, KZ. So many people out there pulling for you!!!xox
I should be asleep by now, but I was so excited to see you were writing on your blog again. I LOVE your stories and posts. Thank you for sharing about your story, your daughter’s story…she sounds like she was truly born for your family. (The story about passing gas at dinner…hahaha!)
Hi Annie! I am so happy that you found me! You are such a breath of fresh air.
I think you are right. I think F was born for this family. Just this morning she was all crazy because she didn’t like the outfit that she is wearing (that SHE picked out, by the way) and it was funny to me that she cared so much…and then I thought, I would care too…did I birth her? But I didn’t. But sometimes it feels like I did.
Thank you for commenting. I’m so happy to have you here.:)
Great post! We adopted our daughter from South Korea, and I’m forever struggling with – how do we do this cross cultural parenting thing? It is really hard to “teach” your child about a culture that you know little about, and that is itself constantly changing (hence, all the chinese dresses – we did the same drill with Korean hanboks). It’s great that we have online and IRL friends who have also adopted from Korea, but we have to incorprate cross cultural customs that are right for our family. And there is a lot of adoptive parenting “rules” I find – what to share and with who, how incensed to become when someone at the grocery store asks you about adoption. I try to be open with my kid and our family and greater community – not because anyone is ENTITLED to any of this – but because we’re all learning and just trying to be the best we can be. Nice to meet you, and I really liked this post!
Hi Sarah! How did I miss this? I don’t know. I love this comment. You hit on something I didn’t even consider. It really is hard to teach about a culture that we know little about. You are smart. I am so happy you found me. I hope you stay!
Thank you for your comment. And for reading. You are very insightful. I love it!!
🙂
I’m so happy a friend of mine sent me your link. If you notice, my email address has the word “china” in it. It also has the year “2005”. My husband and I have a beautiful daughter from China too! We made our forever family in May 2005. She is a funny, smart and beautiful (inside & out) who is nine years old. Your blog hits home and we share a lot of the same ideas on handling the adopting saga.
Just finished reading your lasted and I love your sense of humor!
Thanks.
A new Fan.
Hi Stephanie! I don’t know who sent you to me, but I’m so glad you are here!!! You seem like the perfect fit! I love that your email addy has China IN IT. I am so happy to hear from you, you’re so validating to me. Thank you. I feel like our kids (yours too, obviously) are doing really well so we must be doing something right, right? Thank you for reading and commenting and taking the time. I’m so happy you are here!!!! 🙂 I hope you stay!
Your voice is mine and my son is 10, Born in the United States, adopted at birth, and he is Black American and me Caucasian!!!!!
We totally speak the same language. Would love to meet you. We live in New York.
Kristin,
I have so much to say. First off, I love that you found me and that you liked the post AND that you felt it was something you would say. Nothing makes me happier. (Well, that’s not totally true, one of those “never full” LV bags would really make me REALLY happy, but your comment also makes me happy too.) Second, I would love to meet you, but I don’t live in NY, but I wish I did and I had a whole part written for the post about how I was supposed to live in NYC but the post was getting too long so I left it out for another time… and now here you are from NY! Is that crazy? Oh, wait. I screwed up. The NYC part was from “The Camp Owner’s Wife” post, not this one. I’m tired. So sorry.
Either way, I love that you took the time to comment. I hope you come back. You are awesome and so is your son who I can only imagine is adorable and amazing. 🙂