One night, many years ago, the mom of an old boyfriend told me that she hated the off-white pants her husband was wearing. To me, they were just pleated pants, but to her they were the enemy. I looked to this woman for advice on many things so I figured I‘d seize the opportunity. One day I might need to know: What do you do if your husband wears something that you REALLY don’t like? I mean, I know we’re supposed to love and accept them for who they are, but come on…we have to BE with them.
So, what do you do?
She took me aside and quietly revealed that whenever her husband wears an item that she deems hideous, she saves herself a potentially hurtful and argumentative conversation by secretly taking the garment and doing a “a little something” to blemish it. Nothing big or obvious, just a little something.
For instance, with regard to the off-white offenders, she waited until her husband was out of the pants (and out of the room) and she laid them on the bed. Then, armed with a wand of mascara, she took a deep breath and very carefully placed a teeny weeny black dot right next to the crotch area. It was a small dot, but on off-white, it stuck out like a Jewish girl in a Lily Pulitzer store.
To me, she was brilliant. The tiny black dot was just obvious enough to ruin the look of the pants, but in no way did it incrimate her as the desecrator. It was brilliant and I have never forgotten it.
And I would use it on my own husband—if I thought it would work.
My problem is this: In a million years my husband “Cody” wouldn’t A) notice or B) care.
Once, before we were married, I went to visit Cody at camp (he is a director at an overnight camp for kids in Northern Michigan) and because he was still “woo’ing” me, he would actually make the time to leave camp without me begging, pleading or threatening him—and we would go out for a nice dinner somewhere other than the mess hall.
One night, when I emerged from the bathroom, ready to go, I saw Cody waiting all dressed and proud of himself. He was wearing jeans and a jean jacket. (You can re-read that sentence a million times but it’s never going to change—you read it right the first time). My husband, who I love very much, thought it would be OK to wear jeans and a jean jacket together, in public, even though it wasn’t 1985.
Well, he was wrong.
I tried to think of a tactful way to tell him that there was no way that he was wearing that ensemble out of the cabin, but I had to come up with a way of saying it that wouldn’t hurt his feelings—and I think I did a good job. I said: Cody, there is no way you are wearing that out of the cabin.
He looked at me incredulously and said: What’s wrong with it?
And because he was serious, I knew there was no explanation that would make any sense to him so I simply said: NO.
He grumbled a bit about how I was “crazy” and then he said something about how the jean jacket was “so awesome.” Eventually, though, it came off.
But it wasn’t forgotten. I knew he’d try to sell me on The Jacket again and I didn’t want it to become a point of dissent in our relationship. I just wanted Jon Bon Jovi to come back and get it.
My mind went back to the “Little Black Dot” story of so many years ago, but I needed something stronger, something bolder. Cody is not like the husband of my old boyfriend’s mom. Not only would he not notice a black dot on his jacket, but even if he did, it would only make the jacket cooler to him. I needed to do something more drastic.
So I hid it.
My friend, “Nags” was up at camp with me that particular weekend and since, upon seeing The Jacket, Nags promptly threw up most of his lunch, I knew he’d help me plot its inevitable and necessary demise. Together we found the perfect place to hide it and to this day, we have never revealed its location.
There have been a few more items of clothing over the years that I don’t love, but for the most part I keep my mouth shut. Cody either wears those pieces when I’m not around, or I let them go because some battles just aren’t worth fighting. Besides, over the last ten years, nothing has offended me in quite the same way as The Jacket.
Until now.
Enter: The Shirt.
I can’t explain exactly what it is that I vehemently dislike about The Shirt, but there is something. He has worn it three times and I loathe it so much that sometimes I flip it off (with both hands) when he’s not looking.
The Shirt physically repulses me and what’s more—The Shirt knows it, and The Shirt doesn’t care. It mocks me. He wore The Shirt to bed the other night, and The Shirt was all “Take that, wifey, I’m in your bed now,” and that was it for me.
You’re going down, Shirt. You don’t know who you’re dealing with. I have a rap sheet. Perhaps you’d like to hear a little story about a missing Jean Jacket?
And then, of course, I did what I had to do. I hid it, just like The Jacket.
What choice did I have?
It’s in a very safe place and like The Jacket, I will keep the location to myself. Plus, I have no guilt because it’s not like I threw it out, it’s just…missing.
But out of respect, I’d like to say a few words in honor of The Shirt:
I never liked you, Shirt
You made me want to barf.
I would have strangled you
But I’d feel bad for the scarf.
Cody might miss you at first
But it’s better than dealing.
I didn’t want to discuss you
And risk hurting his feelings.
You thought you were staying
And I’d have to let you be.
But you got yours, didn’t you?
Don’t mess with me.
He’ll never find you
And I’d just like to say:
May you forever remain
M.I.A.
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My husband had a shirt like that. It was given as a gift at work. It was a tan long sleeve t-shirt and it made him look like he was naked with a company logo emblazoned on his chest. Hilarious really, but lucky me, I have teen-aged girls in the house. They made him change… and quickly! ;o)
This is funny to me because I do imprinted promotional items for a living so all day long I do wearables with logos on them. I don’t think I would encourage any of my clients to do a tan shirt with a logo for EXACTLY the same reason as why you didn’t like it. I’m picturing what it would like on my husband, and in my house…it would be hidden or I would get your girls to take care of it. 🙂 Thanks for your comment, Anne. You made me smile.
“I can’t explain exactly what it is that I vehemently dislike about The Shirt, but there is something. He has worn it three times and I loathe it so much that sometimes I flip it off (with both hands) when he isn’t looking”. OMG, it is so terrible I cracked up laughing when I read this? Hubby has 2 shirts I despise. One is a putty colored thing and the other just is a none, dingy colored thing. I’ve actually told him I really don’t like them and they do nothing for him complextion and make him look “cadaver gray”. I may have to “hide” them too.
I love that I gave you a laugh today, Andrea!! Ok, so I hid The Shirt 4 days ago. I haven’t heard about it yet. You have to hide at least one of the shirts you don’t like and then let me know what happens. If he asks about it, or even if he doesn’t ask, we will crack up either way.(And as long as we are entertained, isn’t that really what’s important?) 🙂 Love hearing from you!! Thank you!
OMG!!!! I love this. Has Cody read this yet? Call me later and tell me some good “hiding” places!!!!
I don’t think he has read it yet. I haven’t heard from him about it. Also, he hasn’t asked me about The Shirt since I hid it. I think it’s been about 4 or 5 days, right? I knew you’d crack up at this one! You know how much I hated that shirt!!!!!
I LOVE this post, you made me laugh out loud – thank you, I needed that!
I especially liked the part about the jean pants and jean jacket – here in Canada we would call that look the “Canadian Tuxedo” http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=canadian+tuxedo
Sadly, I only know too well having to hide or destroy some of the articles of clothing my husband has chosen to wear over the years. This however, pales in comparison to some of the bad hair cuts. Yes, I admit it, I married a man with a mullet. Thank goodness it has since been rectified.
Missed seeing your blog, thanks for finding the time (and energy with two little ones) to write again.
Hi Joyanne!
I thought mullets were still “in” in Canada? No? It’s hockey hair though! I love “Canadian Tuxedo.” I have never heard that, but now that I have, I’m going to say it all the time. I’m so happy that you took the time to comment and I’m also happy that you liked this post. I thought it was time for something on the lighter side. I don’t know if you read my last two posts but they were a little preachy. (I had to write them though, I need my girls to know how I feel on those subjects). It makes me happy that you are a fan no matter what I write. Thank you for that. I never know what kind of response I’m going to get so I appreciate your feedback so much. 🙂 You are all kinds of awesome.
I rocked a fabulous denim jeans and jacket combination to a bon jovi concert in 1991 accessorised with the most amazing poodle perm…I thought I looked fantastic, many disagreed.
I read your blog this morning after hiding my son’s hideous shorts. He thinks they are amazing, I do not. Since I am the woman who made him, I am always right.
Hilarious blog…I loved it.
I rocked a fabulous denim jeans and jacket combination to a bon jovi concert in 1991 accessorised with the most amazing poodle perm…I thought I looked fantastic, many disagreed.
I read your blog this morning after hiding my son’s hideous shorts. He thinks they are amazing, I do not. Since I am the woman who made him, I am always right.
Hilarious blog…I loved it.
Edwina! For real did you hide the shorts before you read the blog? If so, that is the BEST!! Were you dying when you were reading the post since you just did EXACTLY what I was talking about? I would have been dying.
Also, you are always right because you are the mom and I bet you rocked that poodle perm–I bet you “rocked it like a hurricane.” (I know that is The Scorpions and not Bon Jovi but whatever, it’s still funny). 🙂
Thank you so much for chiming in. I loved it!!!
Sorry…posted twice!
For real 🙂 about 15mins after I hid them I read your blog! The coincidence was freaky…just goes to show that men, whether they are in Michigan or Sydney, should hang their heads in fashion shame…
That is a crazy coincidence! Give your son a squeeze for me and tell him that I miss him. 🙂
ah, Robyn, you’re cracking me up. Did you have to introduce Cody to the meaning of “ensemble”…?
I have to Totally Destroy my husband’s clothes…unabashedly, completely mutilate them, or they somehow migrate out of the rag bin and back onto his body. His offenses aren’t usually due to bad taste (and yeah, I’ve flipped off clothing too, especially the beloved Tuxedo Tee Shirt, which I will not be seen with) as much as wear and tear. He just doesn’t see them and would wear shirts with holes around the neck, fraying around the cuffs–to work. (“Are you applying for a job as a vagrant, honey?”) And those boxer shorts with a bit too much ventilation? All those holes aren’t a peepshow…they’re just disgusting.I actually now rip them from end to end so they don’t return.
Maybe I should deem them “Zombie Clothes”…because they JUST WON’T DIE and some days I feel them eating my brain…
Awesome as always, Robyn.
Did your husband for real have a tuxedo shirt, Hazel? Those shirts crack me up! How about the ones of the hot body girl and the bikini? Have you ever seen those? I considered getting one of those…I still might actually. 🙂 I know all about wear and tear. As usual, you brought up something that I wish I had thought of!!! Cody is all about wear and tear. The more the better. “Zombie Clothes” is classic (and so true). I am going to forever use that, but I will give you all the credit.
Love hearing from you and LOVE the term “Zombie Clothes.” I’m cracking up. You’re so good like that. XXOO
If my shit starts coming up missing its your ass.
Love it. You’re so funny, E. You guys get what you deserve. What did you think was going to happen when you married West Bloomfield girls????