I turned forty last week. That used to seem so old to me. Forty. I don’t feel old though. At least not in the head I don’t. It’s not like I woke up on my fortieth birthday and instantly started referring to The Salon as The Beauty Shop; I didn’t grab a Redbook, throw on a housecoat and cover my couch with protective plastic. It wasn’t like that at all. I, in fact, haven’t changed much from when I was in my thirties, or even my twenties. Each one of my toes currently boasts a different color nail polish and if you say the word “trim” I will start cracking up because I think it is the funniest thing ever.
My body feels kind of old though. Maybe that is what forty is all about. Body/old. Head/young. But as soon as I mention anything like that in front of a legitimately old person I get this: “What do you know from aches and pains? You think you know from aches and pains? What do you know? You’re young.” Oh yeah, old person? Tell that to my 4 year old daughter. She informed me earlier today that she can still jump out of bed in the morning because she is young and I can not because I am old.
So, what’s the real deal? Is forty old or is it young? It can get pretty confusing and the following three sayings are supposed to lend comfort to those of us making the jump, but I have found the opposite to be true.
Life begins at Forty. I hate to be the one to tell you this but if your life is beginning at forty, you missed out on A LOT. I can’t imagine discounting all the years before I turned forty. I loved them all. Those were the years when I could eat cake without a second thought while now I might as well bypass eating it and just tape it to my ass since that’s where it’s going anyway. The years before forty were the years when I woke up with a hangover because I actually HAD A HANGOVER. Now, if I’m up past midnight I wake up feeling like crap—and that’s without drinking.
Forty is the new Thirty. No it’s not. Thirty is Thirty. I don’t care how sweet your body is, there is nothing worse than checking someone out who looks great from behind, but when they turn around you’re like “Holy Moly, what the hell is that all about? Is that Judi Dench?”
Also, it’s probably time to ditch some of the items inhabiting your closet. I know it hurts, especially if they still fit, but just because you can wear something doesn’t necessarily mean you should. Bazaar magazine separates what they feel is appropriate by decade each month in case we need guidance. I think that is a little severe, but it might be a good time to reassess the closet and perhaps bid a fond farewell to the leopard print super-tight mini dress.
Forty and Fabulous. Fabulous? Come on. I can name several things I find to be NOT so fabulous:
-While assessing my closet (as instructed above), I tried on several pairs of pants and many of them were short. How in the hell did that happen?!? I haven’t gotten any taller!
-The gyno doesn’t only go in through the Front, he hits the Back as well. (Some sort of prostate check). That was something I wasn’t quite prepared for.
-When someone says “You look good,” it really means “You look good, for forty.”
-Young people who say that 80’s music is old and it sucks. You know what? YOU SUCK.
-Grey hairs, forehead lines and spider veins. Oh yeah, there’s a whole lot of “fabulous” in that trio of terror.
-Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I need an iron to get the pillow lines out of my face.
-Years of tennis and kick boxing are catching up me and everything is starting to hurt and break down. It’s all about stretching and steroid injections now. I’m thinking about mugging the Tin Man for his can of oil.
Of course, there are some great things about being forty. Lots of great things, but you’ll have to find that list on someone else’s blog. It’s past my bedtime and I can’t remember where I put my bite guard.
Thanks for being here!
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Love it!!! so true…. but you are 40 and fabulous!!!
You’re the BEST!
I love it! Of course when you are over 60, you are just a baby to me, with two babies! Keep writing you are very good!
Thanks, Pat. That means a lot coming from you.
love it…
I’m so happy to have you as a reader, Monica. Your comments and post always make me so happy.
So far I think the best thing about being “in my forties” ahem, is that I’m old enough to know better but young enough not to give a rat’s ass. I’m pretty sure that’s the saying. I can’t remember anything anymore.
Totally agree. At least I think I do. I can’t remember. Who are you again?
Love it Lola…and totaly agtree!!! I am much more comfortable with who I am and don’t care what others think! I love being in m 40’s!
I know I’m over 40 for two reasons: 1) I chose the shady part of the beach these days to set up and move quickly in and out of the sunny part to get my “glow” and 2) I actually know when to say “enough is enough” (most of the time!)
Me too. Ok, that’s a lie. When it comes to cake, I’m not so good at saying “enough is enough,” and what’s worse, I get really mad at anyone who tries to tell me it is.
Rob-what is my excuse-not quite forty and know that hangover when I stay up too late-you crack me up! Miss you! xoxo
LG-You don’t need an excuse. Your ass is up at like 5:30 in the morning. That ain’t right. At least you don’t get the pillow wrinkles or if you do, they’re gone by the time I see you. HOTTIE.
Big birthdays are good; good presents, good friends, GREAT cake. You show those cute little girls that you can jump out of bed with the best of them…..just make sure that you take your motrin/tylenol “cocktail” at least a 1/2 hour before the big jump!! Forty is fabulous. wait until you’re fifty…….then give me a call……I’ll be… ahhhhhhhhhh
See you this weekend XOXOXOXO
Welcome to the club Sista! Love your posts. Love from Florida to Michigan. You need to bring those sweet babies down here for a visit.
Love it….as usual!
Robyn ~ You are my new idol and I ain’t playin. Here’s my Over 40 Two Cents…
I’ve noticed that I’m all of sudden calling younger girls, “Honey” and “Dear”. May as well break out the blue hair die now. Ugh!
If you were Jewish, you’d be saying “Bubbbehlah.” I’m so happy you like it. Thank you for coming by. It means so much to me since you a big ‘ol famous author and all!
Rob, Every bit of it is true! Thanks for the laugh while reading it.
Watch out for the next big thing heading your way .
A eye twitch for no reason .
Love your writing !
I’m not kidding you when I say that I have had one for the last 3 months. It’s brutal!!
Damn 40! Love it. Hate it.
Just had my first ‘hot flash’ two weeks ago. Now I know how I’ll be “Staying Hot at 40”. Never thought I’d start my mornings regularly with advil….
Hazel!! You’re back! So great to hear from you. I have missed you! You will always be “Hot at 40” to me!